Learning how to make and keep friends is one of the most important things a child can learn. Having friends helps a child feel good about himself; it enhances his self-esteem and sense of worth. When a child has peer approval, it gives him a sense of importance in a group. Children learn different ways of acting and relating to others by watching and playing with peers. Unfortunately, not all kids are successful in their attempts at making friends and interacting positively with peers.

What is a Friend?

Children take another perspective. As they grow in age and understanding, they eventually develop an adult concept of a friend, but this typically does not happen until mid-adolescence. It is important to remember that a child's idea of a friend differs from an adult's.

Preschoolers choose friends based on who they see regularly. Friends share toys and play games. If there is a fight or a friend moves away, the friendship ends. Preschoolers do not recognize that others think differently than they do; they have difficulty distinguishing whether the actions of others are accidental or intentional.

School-aged children select friends who help them. They select friends who have similar interests and enjoy doing the same things. They recognize that friends share thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, but not always, school-aged children understand that friendships are strong enough to survive a fight or separation. Between the ages of six and nine, children begin to understand that others may think about situations differently than they do. They also begin to judge behaviors and intentions of others accurately.Social Skills and Language

In the acquisition of social skills, there is a strong link between good social skills and language. Good language users know how to use language to return greetings. They select strategies based on what they perceive to be the most appropriate for a specific situation. For instance, Do I howl in the store or ask my mom for a KitKat? Once they select a plan, they implement it and afterward evaluate whether the strategy was successful or needs to be refined.

If you ask the children in any classroom to name the best athlete in the class, the hardest worker and so forth, you can soon determine who has the most friends. According to Susan Sheridan (Making and Keeping Friends, University of Nevada), in any given class, between twelve and twenty percent of the children are not named. They are not liked or disliked, they simply do not exist. How do we identify those kids? They are the kids who hang on the fringe of the playground; they don't join in when asked. They watch other kids play. Two percent of students are actively disliked by their peers. They are the bullies, the meanies, the physically abusive ones. They generally do not compromise when in conflict with another child, and their alternatives are often inappropriate.

Strange or unusual kids are often disliked. They are often teased because of their odd behavior or because they cannot be understood by others.

Well-liked kids, on the other hand, play more. They suggest playing more often and tend to agree when asked to play. They take turns and are generally good communicators. They both understand and are understood by their friends. These kids are good problem solvers. They can think of several alternatives to a situation and are more than willing to compromise. They are willing to give up what they want in order to keep their friends. The After-School Model

It is our belief that many of the social issues that children experience are language related. Our goal is to set up direct teaching situations to practice development of social skills, then generalize them during developmentally appropriate activities. We play games that are age appropriate. We often adapt games for older children to make them acceptable. For example, we have adapted circle dodge ball. The team in the middle wears necklaces to make them easier to identify. When you are tagged, you leave the circle and sit at a designated place. We use a chalker to draw a circle on the playground. In the classroom, we adapt the environment. We place an "x,"

using masking tape, on a place to stand. We adapted musical chairs to pile upon the one chair left because children were not ready to face losing. Our game selection is based upon the length of the game and the complexity of the directions. We always use games that provide success and fun.

Criteria for Admission

Format

Sessions run in eight-week blocks, which allows us to monitor change. We do not have rolling admissions. Typically children stay for three to four blocks and then are directed toward outside group participation.

Group Process

The next skill is the development of cooperation within an activity. We use games that require children to work together. The most striking example is Cup Relay Races. If someone loses focus, he drops his cup. Splash and Old Maid and other simple board games such as the Secret Door develop these skills.

The final skill is the ability to do preplanning, to organize successful group games with a peer without adult facilitation. This is the most challenging place for us to be with a group, because the child's world no longer revolves around himself. It is time to take another person's perspective, negotiate and be accountable for your actions. Children who make it to this level have good cognitive skills, language abilities and self-control. Activities that we have used successfully include treasure hunts, party planning and art projects.

Some kids do not reach level three. We have found they require more practice. Small sports teams, individual sports like swimming or karate, and neighborhood T-ball teams can provide additional practice.

We have found this process to be very rewarding. We can better appreciate the complexity of issues the children and their families face. We consult with psychologists and psychiatrists when we have questions about group process, group interactions and individual child issues.